Our top 3 dream replacements for sacked David Moyes

April 22, 2014, Article by Richard in Football, Sport

1. Danny Dyer (chosen by Ben)

I can see the Sun Sport headlines now: ‘Not content with REANIMATING the smelly, green corpse of PAST-ITS-SELL-BY-DATE Eastenders, Dyer has managed to give the KISS OF LIFE to another down-on-its luck mega brand…’

In his bestselling autobiography STRAIGHT UP, Dyer claims he wants to ‘push himself on to bigger and better things’ – and what can be bigger than guiding one of the world’s biggest clubs through not one but two rounds of Europa League qualifiers? There’d be no ‘blowing smoke up people’s arses’. Plus, he’s used to ‘ugly bastards’ lining up ‘to have a pop at me’. That to me spells a man impervious to both the bizarre ill-thought-out criticisms of Roy Keane and those annoying tweets from Piers Morgan.

Actually, I take it back – maybe Danny for prime minister?


2. Nicholas Cage (chosen by Richard)

One of the things the beleaguered (see: @footballcliches for more) David Moyes clearly lacked was the famous Fergie anger. We never saw him marching around his technical, furiously chewing gum, barking menacingly at a fourth official. His ‘Hairdryer Treatment’ would be a bit like a morose mallard farting in your face. What they really need is someone to shout nonsensically and generally be that breath of fresh air. So who better to add that real air of anger and vitality than Nick Cage? ‘Who are we playing? Brentford? Oh God. Not the bees!’


3. Saul Goodman (chosen by Beau)

After running off to Nebraska with a new identity and his main clients Walt and Jesse no longer on the scene, top criminal attorney Saul will probably be twiddling his thumbs thinking what to do next. He only needs to open any of the UK papers this morning for the answer.

He could bring with him a sturdy staff with Huell Babineaux as first-team coach and the outspoken Francesca as club secretary. No doubt he’d out-do Harry Redknapp in the wheeler-dealer stakes and bring in some much needed big-name signings (for a third of the price). The players would fall for his charm, wit and original ideas and if they were lagging at half-time he could offer the perfect pick-me-up.

The answer’s simple. Saul Goodman is the chosen one.